Just don't understand

I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason...usually. I just don't understand why so many things have gone so wrong for us in the last several months.

*I quit my job because I could not honestly handle it anymore...I had become so lost in the depression I was terrified for myself.

Looking back now I should have taken a leave of absence--gone out to have my knee surgery. I honestly thought I would not have a problem finding another job--maybe not making as much money but still a descent enough job that I could be proud of. If I had realized I would still be out of work 2 and half months later the 3 months needed to go on Long term disability wouldn't have been such a burden. I fucked up...no way around that. I really had a hard time making the decision to quit but still felt it was right at the time--now months later....

*My Grandmother Estate was suppose to be settled on in June.

Here it is mid-September and still no clue what is truly going on. I get one thing from one person and something else from another. This is family doing this. I don't know who is being honest or telling me whatever. It is so frustrating--that settlement could be a game changer for my household. Instead of me stressing over getting a job and taking whatever I can...I could actually hold out for a job I really want. Or even think more seriously about what I want to do. Right now we don't have that luxury we are so behind on everything. We had worked so hard to get out credit cleaned up just to screw it up again.

*Every time I think I have a job....

I have filled out a ton of applications in the last several months, went on several (what seemed liked) really good interviews with what seems to be no resolve. Marshall's is still supposedly still doing a background check on me??? Michael's is going much quicker but I am scared shit less of the idea of having to go to Dallas TX to train :( DelTech didn't even give me a chance....I am so frustrated

I am in pain, I feel like a big ass loser whose whole life is seemingly falling apart....at the same time I feel so blessed because I discovered that I have a hand full of really awesome friends...a couple of which I would have never thought would have been. I am a good person, no I am not trying to convince myself...well maybe I am. Anyway I really am a good person...I have always attempted to be a good friend to others so why should it surprise me to have them return the support.

I just don't understand why things are happening the way they are right now....I am sure I will look back at some point and be like of course it was that way.....If it had not been for xyz I would not be yada yada....

Oh Lord I pray that I make it that far....