I am so exhausted. Working in retail at Christmas time is the worst!! People are so rude and nasty to those of us that work in retail. I would love to let those nasty asses come spend a night in my shoes. Why is it that is my fault that they waited until the last moment to decide that they want the hottest gift of the year for their special who ever and how dare I be out of it.....like I could control the fact that everyone else in Salisbury was smarter than they were and bought it already! ugh
And while I am complaining....if you take it out of the package then you should buy that one not shove it where ever and grab the nice one in the still in the package. I hate that!! I have displays all over the the place for you to look at so that you do not need to take the item out of it package@! Don't let me get started on how it should be against the law to leave your trash all over my store just because you are to damn lazy to find a trash can or GOD forbid not bring it into the store in the first place!!
Oh and how about...... do me a favor pay attention to your children!! My curtain department is NOT there play area nor is the bed displays a trampoline!! REALLY is it to much to ask, really????
Ohhh and what is it about Christmas shopping that makes women so nasty in the restroom.....I mean NASTA!! I have never figured out how they get shit on the wall behind the toilet?? and if you pee on the damn seat because you are trying to hover over the toilet then clean it up!! I promise you I don't want to clean up your pee before I can go myself....most likely I have been holding it a whole lot longer than you have and I have to go majorly bad and I don't have time to clean up your pee before I can go!!!
ok enough for now I promise I will have more after tomorrows shift
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Life as The Irish Queen
What do I want to say today??
Today is a gorgous day. I hate that I am down with a headache. I would much rather be out and abouting this being my first day of my last vacation of the year. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I have a lot I want to accomplish this week. My daughter turns 18 next week and my mother in law's birthday is Friday. Both are very important.
Later in the week we are going to go visit a couple college with my daughter. She is trying to decide where she wants to apply to for next year. We all have our ideas of where we want her to go but she has to make the final decision.
My son is thinking of going to a school of choice next year so we have to get his application in. It would be wonderful he is able to get in.
I need to get the house cleaned and ready for Christmas. Lord only knows I won't have time or feel like doing it after next week. Working in retail this time a year is like being in a marathon.
alright enough for me....hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and will blog some more:)
Today is a gorgous day. I hate that I am down with a headache. I would much rather be out and abouting this being my first day of my last vacation of the year. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I have a lot I want to accomplish this week. My daughter turns 18 next week and my mother in law's birthday is Friday. Both are very important.
Later in the week we are going to go visit a couple college with my daughter. She is trying to decide where she wants to apply to for next year. We all have our ideas of where we want her to go but she has to make the final decision.
My son is thinking of going to a school of choice next year so we have to get his application in. It would be wonderful he is able to get in.
I need to get the house cleaned and ready for Christmas. Lord only knows I won't have time or feel like doing it after next week. Working in retail this time a year is like being in a marathon.
alright enough for me....hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and will blog some more:)
Friday, October 28, 2011
In life comes death
I am sadden by the news my Grandmother lost her battle with Lung Cancer yesterday. She had had a roller coaster of events with her health over the last couple of years since my Papa and Dad passed away. She had seemed to be fairing fairly well of late.
This is the woman that raised me as her own when my own parents were to young to do so. She was very opinionated, headstrong and hardworking. She gave all she had to ensure that her family was well taken care of and loved. She was not perfect or a fairytale kinda Grandmother but she was mine and I loved her very much. I am who I am because of the values she helped instill in me.
I regret not being able to spend more time with her in her latter years. My heart is filled with grief. I know my siblings and cousins fill the same for we all loved our Granny.
Rest in Peace Granny. Enjoy your homecoming with our loved ones that have went on ahead of us. I will see you again soon and we will rejoice in that day.
This is the woman that raised me as her own when my own parents were to young to do so. She was very opinionated, headstrong and hardworking. She gave all she had to ensure that her family was well taken care of and loved. She was not perfect or a fairytale kinda Grandmother but she was mine and I loved her very much. I am who I am because of the values she helped instill in me.
I regret not being able to spend more time with her in her latter years. My heart is filled with grief. I know my siblings and cousins fill the same for we all loved our Granny.
Rest in Peace Granny. Enjoy your homecoming with our loved ones that have went on ahead of us. I will see you again soon and we will rejoice in that day.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
even on my day off work stress me out
Today is my day off...good thing right? Nope...Of course my assistant text me stressing out over something our boss wants her to do that she thinks is stupid. But in my boss's defense I had just discussed doing the same thing the day before and lost the arguement. So now I look uncompentant to my boss and my assistant has to do the moves anyway-- I should have just done myself yesterday.
I text her the moves I wanted to be done to accomplish what my boss wants...so the moves will get done and my assistant will get credit for doing them and I probably will be on the shit list for not having done them already. UGH!!
In my defense, what little defense I have, I had planned on doing the moves on Friday when there was no freight to be done. So now we will do the drapery moves instead:)
Now to destress and forget about it till tomorrow....nothing I can do about it now anyway. I will make sure to wear my big girl panties tomorrow, lol
I text her the moves I wanted to be done to accomplish what my boss wants...so the moves will get done and my assistant will get credit for doing them and I probably will be on the shit list for not having done them already. UGH!!
In my defense, what little defense I have, I had planned on doing the moves on Friday when there was no freight to be done. So now we will do the drapery moves instead:)
Now to destress and forget about it till tomorrow....nothing I can do about it now anyway. I will make sure to wear my big girl panties tomorrow, lol
Friday, October 7, 2011
October already.....
I haven't blogged in almost a month, sorry. Its not that I haven't had anything to say just haven't taken the time to say it.
Restaging went well. I broke down at my last appointment. Everything came out. I am now on a low dose antidepressant. It not only helps with the depression but quite a few of the other issue I have been suffering from. Its been a couple of weeks and I have to say I am feeling a lot better. The side effects from the new meds are worth the outcome. One of the side effects is loss of appetite:) I have already lost 10lbs, now that's a side effect I can appreciate.
Work is still very stressful.....I seem to be able to handle it better now. I don't think I will ever be back to the old me but I am going to do my best to make the new me a better me!
Enough of me for now. Enjoy your beautiful October day
Restaging went well. I broke down at my last appointment. Everything came out. I am now on a low dose antidepressant. It not only helps with the depression but quite a few of the other issue I have been suffering from. Its been a couple of weeks and I have to say I am feeling a lot better. The side effects from the new meds are worth the outcome. One of the side effects is loss of appetite:) I have already lost 10lbs, now that's a side effect I can appreciate.
Work is still very stressful.....I seem to be able to handle it better now. I don't think I will ever be back to the old me but I am going to do my best to make the new me a better me!
Enough of me for now. Enjoy your beautiful October day
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Good news today
I received my letter today with the results of my Mammogram......No Evidence of Cancer:) Happy DANCE.
I will be honest I was very nervous....during my screening on Tuesday my right breast was extremely tender and was more dense than the left. Beth said it could be from my monthly cycle. Even though I have had a radical hysterectomy my body still goes through a monthly cycle where my brain produces different hormones. During this time my breast can become tender and form cysts. Generally these cyst go away naturally but then sometimes.......
Anyway I was so elated to get my all is fine and we will see you next year letter today less than a week later. Beth did tell me because of me being high-risk my imagines would be a priority:)
Beebe Health Campus and The Tunnell Cancer Center are the best!!
I will be honest I was very nervous....during my screening on Tuesday my right breast was extremely tender and was more dense than the left. Beth said it could be from my monthly cycle. Even though I have had a radical hysterectomy my body still goes through a monthly cycle where my brain produces different hormones. During this time my breast can become tender and form cysts. Generally these cyst go away naturally but then sometimes.......
Anyway I was so elated to get my all is fine and we will see you next year letter today less than a week later. Beth did tell me because of me being high-risk my imagines would be a priority:)
Beebe Health Campus and The Tunnell Cancer Center are the best!!
Next round of testing in process
Every time I get use to something it changes...grrr
I started restaging this week. Tuesday I went for blood work and my first ever Mammogram. It was not what I expected.
Darryl is the best tech at getting my blood without making me a pin cushion!! Usually they call him in after several tries but not this time:) It only took him 3 minutes to prep my arm and to get the needle in. I was so grateful. Its not that I hate needles or anything--its kind of hard to when you have been as sick as I have. I just hate having all the track marks and bruising on my arms and hands for days and days afterwords.
Beth was the radiologist that worked with me to do my Mammogram. It freaked her out a little at first because I was so young. I do not feel that I am young at all anymore but by standards I am. It is a scary thing. She was very informative about the whole process and what it was like her first time. She put me at ease. The test usually only takes 10 minutes totally including undressing and dressing. She spent well over 30 minutes with me backing up her appointments behind me. I was early for my appointment so it was not as bad as it could have been if I had been on time. My official appointment was 11am I walked out of her lab at 11:10....so I actually was on time finishing up, lol. The person whose appointment was at 10:30 and was over 10 minutes late well I can't say much for her. If she had been on time she would have had to wait so long and the nice grandma that had the 10:45 appointment that was on time and not 5 minutes earlier--my bad:) I honestly am not sorry. I have always worried about others and how I was effecting them...this is one time I am glad that someone cared enough to take the extra time for me. I was very nervous and needed someone to talk me through it all. I needed someone to ensure me it was going to be ok one way or another. I needed that extra time to not be scared about what was seen in the preliminary pics.
Anyway I will update you when I get the results back. I go Tuesday to see Dr. E:) I am always nervous about seeing him. I love him to pieces. With out him I would have died from the cancer no doubt....
I started restaging this week. Tuesday I went for blood work and my first ever Mammogram. It was not what I expected.
Darryl is the best tech at getting my blood without making me a pin cushion!! Usually they call him in after several tries but not this time:) It only took him 3 minutes to prep my arm and to get the needle in. I was so grateful. Its not that I hate needles or anything--its kind of hard to when you have been as sick as I have. I just hate having all the track marks and bruising on my arms and hands for days and days afterwords.
Beth was the radiologist that worked with me to do my Mammogram. It freaked her out a little at first because I was so young. I do not feel that I am young at all anymore but by standards I am. It is a scary thing. She was very informative about the whole process and what it was like her first time. She put me at ease. The test usually only takes 10 minutes totally including undressing and dressing. She spent well over 30 minutes with me backing up her appointments behind me. I was early for my appointment so it was not as bad as it could have been if I had been on time. My official appointment was 11am I walked out of her lab at 11:10....so I actually was on time finishing up, lol. The person whose appointment was at 10:30 and was over 10 minutes late well I can't say much for her. If she had been on time she would have had to wait so long and the nice grandma that had the 10:45 appointment that was on time and not 5 minutes earlier--my bad:) I honestly am not sorry. I have always worried about others and how I was effecting them...this is one time I am glad that someone cared enough to take the extra time for me. I was very nervous and needed someone to talk me through it all. I needed someone to ensure me it was going to be ok one way or another. I needed that extra time to not be scared about what was seen in the preliminary pics.
Anyway I will update you when I get the results back. I go Tuesday to see Dr. E:) I am always nervous about seeing him. I love him to pieces. With out him I would have died from the cancer no doubt....
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
That time again
Tomorrow I go for my next round of restaging.......I am very nervous. I have a new test added on this time- Mammogram. This will be my first Mammogram. My husband will be with me orat least he will be in the car waiting for me. He doesn't do so well in crowded places.
As many times as I have had to do this I should not be so nervous but I am. I am sure I am fine but the chance is there. I don't know what I would do if I had to go through it all again.
Life is full of surprises, some are good, some are bad, some are life changing.
As many times as I have had to do this I should not be so nervous but I am. I am sure I am fine but the chance is there. I don't know what I would do if I had to go through it all again.
Life is full of surprises, some are good, some are bad, some are life changing.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Hurricane Irene 8/27/2011
All of Delmarva has been told to prepare for the worst hurricane that has hit this area in.....well that depends on who you are watching. I have heard several different news media personalities spout out multiple years as far back as 1935 or some shit like that.
Somewhere along the way my "powers that be" saw fit to power down and prepare for the worst at work. We closed down the store yesterday at 5pm and are closed until it is safe to return. They went as far as hiring a professional company to board our windows up.....they came out and measured the windows yesterday around 3pm but as of this morning at 5am they had not showed back up to actually do the work. All I know if for some unknown reason they ended up not boarding our windows up like they are under contract to do and if our windows get blown out by the hurricane there will be hell to pay.
My Sweetie is not home with us do to his job being very important.....saying that he spent the last 2 days preparing us for nasty Irene. I know he is going to worry about us but he is helping to keep Delmarva informed and safe.
So far we are getting lots of rain and wind but its not due to actually hit us to later tonight, I will keep you up date:)
Somewhere along the way my "powers that be" saw fit to power down and prepare for the worst at work. We closed down the store yesterday at 5pm and are closed until it is safe to return. They went as far as hiring a professional company to board our windows up.....they came out and measured the windows yesterday around 3pm but as of this morning at 5am they had not showed back up to actually do the work. All I know if for some unknown reason they ended up not boarding our windows up like they are under contract to do and if our windows get blown out by the hurricane there will be hell to pay.
My Sweetie is not home with us do to his job being very important.....saying that he spent the last 2 days preparing us for nasty Irene. I know he is going to worry about us but he is helping to keep Delmarva informed and safe.
So far we are getting lots of rain and wind but its not due to actually hit us to later tonight, I will keep you up date:)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
What a day
Woke up in a lot of pain....decided I was not going to let it stop me.
Work was crappy...it seems to always be crappy lately. Today we were short-handed. To some that means picking up the extra slack others that means taking advantage of the situation to be a bigger bitch than normal.
A nasty ass storm hit late this afternoon while I was still at work. It was horrible. Very heavy/ hard rain with strong winds. Lots of commotion. It took a toll on our store's roof and the rain poured in. It only lasted about an hour.
Work became even crappier afterwards....I had to work late while my boss went home early. Doesn't sound fair--well it seems to be in my life.
The feeling of getting in my car and driving away from work today was one of those priceless moments. I cranked up the radio, rolled down the windows and let the day drift away :) Sometimes you just have to!
Work was crappy...it seems to always be crappy lately. Today we were short-handed. To some that means picking up the extra slack others that means taking advantage of the situation to be a bigger bitch than normal.
A nasty ass storm hit late this afternoon while I was still at work. It was horrible. Very heavy/ hard rain with strong winds. Lots of commotion. It took a toll on our store's roof and the rain poured in. It only lasted about an hour.
Work became even crappier afterwards....I had to work late while my boss went home early. Doesn't sound fair--well it seems to be in my life.
The feeling of getting in my car and driving away from work today was one of those priceless moments. I cranked up the radio, rolled down the windows and let the day drift away :) Sometimes you just have to!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
bad day
I had a bad day today....I can not seem to let things slid off my back. I hold on to every negative thing said to or about me.
That was yesterday and it seems today will be another helping of the same.....
I want to write more but it seems I need to be doing something else for someone else as always....
That was yesterday and it seems today will be another helping of the same.....
I want to write more but it seems I need to be doing something else for someone else as always....
Saturday, August 13, 2011
teenagers.....ugh part 2
So it's summer break and both my teenagers were home all day yesterday.....I come home last night to a sick full of dirty dishes and a dishwasher full of clean dishes. The kitchen is a mess, clean clothes needing to be put away and so on. And I got from the kids when I asked what gives? so and so didn't do their part of the job and oh I didn't know you said to do that! W@T@F@!!!
Why is it so hard for them to understand by them not doing their chores it makes life harder from me. I work my ass off for 10-12 hours a day at my job to help take care of them..why can't they take 15 minutes to help me???
UGH OK enough venting for now
Why is it so hard for them to understand by them not doing their chores it makes life harder from me. I work my ass off for 10-12 hours a day at my job to help take care of them..why can't they take 15 minutes to help me???
UGH OK enough venting for now
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Memory Lane
I've spent most of this week on facebook with old friends from my younger years remembering the good ol'days. It is so nice to remember back when.....
Don't get me wrong I am happy where I am now. I love my Small Town USA. Its just fun to remember the younger days.
I find myself wanting so hard to remember more of my past but just can not mustard it up.....but being apart of this group/page is helping bring some of those memories back to me. I want to have good memories to go along with the not so good ones I have stuck in my head.
I grew up in Panama City Florida and am very proud of it:) Dirt Road Anthem
Don't get me wrong I am happy where I am now. I love my Small Town USA. Its just fun to remember the younger days.
I find myself wanting so hard to remember more of my past but just can not mustard it up.....but being apart of this group/page is helping bring some of those memories back to me. I want to have good memories to go along with the not so good ones I have stuck in my head.
I grew up in Panama City Florida and am very proud of it:) Dirt Road Anthem
Some people always think they are right....
Why is it that there are always those people who think that they know everything!!! Sometimes you do not have a clue what I am talking about thus you can not be the be all end all on the subject!! Let me finish talking and maybe you might be the expert but how will we ever know if you don't be quiet for a moment. Just saying.....
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What a crappy day......
I really can not stand my job some days!! Today was truly one of those days. I don't understand why some people just refuse to be part of the team and go out of their way to cause others so much extra work.
I would love to take this chance to bash the hell out of those ass hats but I will not go there. I keep thinking if I continue doing the right thing others will do the same.......ugh! Well not today.
I am so tired and frustrated. My body hurts and my spirit is broken. I don't have it in me to keep doing this. Not with everything else I have on me. I need a break.
I would love to take this chance to bash the hell out of those ass hats but I will not go there. I keep thinking if I continue doing the right thing others will do the same.......ugh! Well not today.
I am so tired and frustrated. My body hurts and my spirit is broken. I don't have it in me to keep doing this. Not with everything else I have on me. I need a break.
I want to blog.....
but don't know what I want to say. I have so many screwed up emotions lately....
Yesterday was a day:) Spent the day with my Lil Family. I love spending time with my husband and kids when everyone is getting along. We went to look at a house of interest. Then we spent the day discussing and dreaming of the possibilities of what we could do with that house. I love thinking of the future when it looks positive....I so often lately can't see past the doom and dread that is in my head.
The house we looked at would need A LOT of work but its a challenge and once we were done it really could be our dream home. Its in a great location!!! Now to see if the finances are where we want them to be.
I need something in my life that I can focus on that can help keep me positive. If its meant to be it will be:)
Yesterday was a day:) Spent the day with my Lil Family. I love spending time with my husband and kids when everyone is getting along. We went to look at a house of interest. Then we spent the day discussing and dreaming of the possibilities of what we could do with that house. I love thinking of the future when it looks positive....I so often lately can't see past the doom and dread that is in my head.
The house we looked at would need A LOT of work but its a challenge and once we were done it really could be our dream home. Its in a great location!!! Now to see if the finances are where we want them to be.
I need something in my life that I can focus on that can help keep me positive. If its meant to be it will be:)
My Story part 1
I've never really told my story, not many have really wanted to hear.
Where do I begin?
How about the beginning.....I was born in Georgia but was raised in the Panhandle of Florida. I had very young parents that were not ready for kids. I love my Mom and my Dad because that is what children are suppose to do. I never had a healthy relationship with my Dad. He had his own demons that he was working through when I needed him as a father figure...then he died at an early age. I miss him and the Father that he could have been. I do my best to remember the good times but its hard when there were so many not so good ones. The bad memories always seem to over-shadow the good ones.
My Mom...she was so young when she had me, she was merely a kid herself. I don't know the whole story of my father and her, just bits and pieces. I know my father made lots of bad decisions and was a horrible husband but died loving my Mother, regretting how his life had ended without her. Mom is a very beautiful woman-that I have worshiped my whole life even when we were estranged. She did her best with what she was given. That's the best way I can put it. She wasn't June Cleaver at all! She didn't have it easy and didn't always make the right decision either. I look back now and see things so different than I did at the time. At the time I didn't understand and it hurt.
I was an abused child. I was abused in multiple ways, by multiple people, for multiple years. I always thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treat that way. It caused me to have no self esteem and to look at things differently than others. I do my best to block out the bad but it always seems to seep back in. I carry it around with me always. I am a very emotional person. I do my best to hide it.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.....I am a work in progress to becoming the person I was always meant to be.
I moved to Delaware when I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father was my high school sweet heart. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I needed someone to love me so bad ....in my mind I made our relationship to be what I needed it to be. I did love him---what I knew of love. He was only 22 when she was born and not ready to be a Daddy or to settle down or anything I needed. I do believe he loved me but could not be what I needed him to be. I hated him for years. Not just for hurting me but for not being the father to our daughter I sooo wanted him to be. I wanted my daughter to have something I didn't. I wanted to be a happy family. I guess I shouldnt have put that pressure on him. I made mistakes, said things, done things I regret but having my daughter has never been one of them, for that I have to thank him.
I ran home for a few months after Elizabeth was born. I needed to collect the pieces of my broken heart and to figure out how to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby girl. Elizabeth became my whole world. I moved back to Delaware when she was only a few months old. I wanted her to be near her father--I believed him when he said he wanted to be a part of her life. They have never had a strong relationship-she has her very own Daddy Issues.
I put myself through college when she was still a baby. I was determined to prove everyone wrong-I was going to be a good mother to Elizabeth. It was tough. I did have help. I lived with her Great Aunt and Uncle while I was getting back on my feet...I had no family to lean on. They were very strict on me. I had rules I had to abide by--which were very difficult at first for me, I had lived on my own since I was 15 years old.
Where do I begin?
How about the beginning.....I was born in Georgia but was raised in the Panhandle of Florida. I had very young parents that were not ready for kids. I love my Mom and my Dad because that is what children are suppose to do. I never had a healthy relationship with my Dad. He had his own demons that he was working through when I needed him as a father figure...then he died at an early age. I miss him and the Father that he could have been. I do my best to remember the good times but its hard when there were so many not so good ones. The bad memories always seem to over-shadow the good ones.
My Mom...she was so young when she had me, she was merely a kid herself. I don't know the whole story of my father and her, just bits and pieces. I know my father made lots of bad decisions and was a horrible husband but died loving my Mother, regretting how his life had ended without her. Mom is a very beautiful woman-that I have worshiped my whole life even when we were estranged. She did her best with what she was given. That's the best way I can put it. She wasn't June Cleaver at all! She didn't have it easy and didn't always make the right decision either. I look back now and see things so different than I did at the time. At the time I didn't understand and it hurt.
I was an abused child. I was abused in multiple ways, by multiple people, for multiple years. I always thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treat that way. It caused me to have no self esteem and to look at things differently than others. I do my best to block out the bad but it always seems to seep back in. I carry it around with me always. I am a very emotional person. I do my best to hide it.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.....I am a work in progress to becoming the person I was always meant to be.
I moved to Delaware when I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father was my high school sweet heart. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I needed someone to love me so bad ....in my mind I made our relationship to be what I needed it to be. I did love him---what I knew of love. He was only 22 when she was born and not ready to be a Daddy or to settle down or anything I needed. I do believe he loved me but could not be what I needed him to be. I hated him for years. Not just for hurting me but for not being the father to our daughter I sooo wanted him to be. I wanted my daughter to have something I didn't. I wanted to be a happy family. I guess I shouldnt have put that pressure on him. I made mistakes, said things, done things I regret but having my daughter has never been one of them, for that I have to thank him.
I ran home for a few months after Elizabeth was born. I needed to collect the pieces of my broken heart and to figure out how to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby girl. Elizabeth became my whole world. I moved back to Delaware when she was only a few months old. I wanted her to be near her father--I believed him when he said he wanted to be a part of her life. They have never had a strong relationship-she has her very own Daddy Issues.
I put myself through college when she was still a baby. I was determined to prove everyone wrong-I was going to be a good mother to Elizabeth. It was tough. I did have help. I lived with her Great Aunt and Uncle while I was getting back on my feet...I had no family to lean on. They were very strict on me. I had rules I had to abide by--which were very difficult at first for me, I had lived on my own since I was 15 years old.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Still Blue....
I can't seem to shake this horrible feeling. I've now managed to upset my husband and he is not talking to me. That really does not help with my bouts of depression I am suffering through. Its my own fault. He has his own demons he is fighting and I should have respected that. I love my husband very very much but there are times when we just don't see eye to eye on things. In his defense he really feels he is right and that he gives in to me and I feel the same towards him....so if we are both doing that how do we keep butting heads and hurting each others feelings?? He is the only person that matters to me (and my kids) and I can't make him happy with the person I am right now.
I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to being that person that did not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. I want to go back to being that strong independent woman I once was. I hate the current me!! I've always been stressed at different levels but to this point--I can barely function right now.
I feel like I am constantly on eggshells....who am I going to disappoint next. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong person or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time??? I have no confidence in myself right now. I feel...broken
I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to being that person that did not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. I want to go back to being that strong independent woman I once was. I hate the current me!! I've always been stressed at different levels but to this point--I can barely function right now.
I feel like I am constantly on eggshells....who am I going to disappoint next. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong person or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time??? I have no confidence in myself right now. I feel...broken
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Being a Survivor is....
Being a Survivor is suppose to make you have this enlighten look on life?? Wtf did it miss me? I don't feel enlightened! I feel pointless. I'm having one of my blue days. I seem to be having more and more of them. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy and enjoy this gift Ive been given.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Mobile entry
Relaxing with my knee propt up with ice on it helping my Son with his sewing project-mmm not a bad:)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Miagraine.......
Rough night. Hubby had a nasty miagraine yesterday that lasted throughout the night. I feel so bad for him. I feel so helpless.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Beautiful Weather
I am a true Gemini in all of my glory:) I love change!! So of course I love when the seasons change. My favorite season is spring at the moment-- that's because I'm ready for some warm weather. Today looks like it will be a gorgeous day and to the best part is I am off and my Sweetie gets off in an hour:) I can't wait to see what we get into!!! Short and sweet for now I might post again later
Get out there and enjoy your day
Get out there and enjoy your day
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Results from Cancer restaging......
I had mixed emotions after my appointment.....my scans came back clear this time but I found out that they had seen something on my lungs last time..what the?? Dr. S said if it had still been there during this round of test we would have discussed it.
My Tumor markers came back higher but still not high enough to be concerned, yet. Last go round they were .7 this time 2.5. After leaving his office I looked up what is normal <2.5 non smoker <5.0 smoker. I am a non smoker so does this mean I am at the outer edge of normal?
Dr. S seemed to be happy with my results but did give me the statistics of relapse. So for now I am going with cancer free 15 months:) but I am so worried about the cancer coming back.
The tech that got me so worked up saw that I have severe Arthritis in my back. I had a work related injury to my back over 10 years ago....so yes I have Arthritis. Yes it hurts but after 10 years I manage the pain the pain does not manage me anymore:)
Stephanie/The Irish Queen
Cervical Cancer advanced stage 3b spread to Uterus, Ovaries, Fallopian tubes and lymph nodes
Radical Hysterectomy 9/14/09
6wks Cisplatin
29x external Radiation
3 rounds neupogen shots
NED 12/17/09
My Tumor markers came back higher but still not high enough to be concerned, yet. Last go round they were .7 this time 2.5. After leaving his office I looked up what is normal <2.5 non smoker <5.0 smoker. I am a non smoker so does this mean I am at the outer edge of normal?
Dr. S seemed to be happy with my results but did give me the statistics of relapse. So for now I am going with cancer free 15 months:) but I am so worried about the cancer coming back.
The tech that got me so worked up saw that I have severe Arthritis in my back. I had a work related injury to my back over 10 years ago....so yes I have Arthritis. Yes it hurts but after 10 years I manage the pain the pain does not manage me anymore:)
Stephanie/The Irish Queen
Cervical Cancer advanced stage 3b spread to Uterus, Ovaries, Fallopian tubes and lymph nodes
Radical Hysterectomy 9/14/09
6wks Cisplatin
29x external Radiation
3 rounds neupogen shots
NED 12/17/09
Monday, March 21, 2011
Anxiety
I can not express how much anxiety I am experiencing right now!! I am on my way to the cancer center for my re-staging results. I am sure I am fine but I can't get it out of my head the cancer could be back.
I feel like my experience was way to easy looking back. Don't get me wrong while I was going through it it was pure hell!! I hid a lot of it from everyone. I tried to never let myself break down in front of anyone. I did not want anyone to know how scared I was--I needed to be strong for them so that they were strong for me. But now looking back--I'm afraid the worst isn't over yet.
I promise I will give you a brief history of my cancer experience one day but not yet. When I do it I want to do it right.
I could cry right now. We are about 7 minutes from the center--I don't even have to look up to know this--I can feel it. My heart is racing, the tears are in my eyes, my stomach is aching. I am sure it is all for nothing.....I keep telling myself that but I don't seem to be listening very well today.
I feel so bad for my husband and son. The poor guys are sick and having to put up with my anxiety shit today just isn't right. They are being angels to me as always. They deserve a wife/mom that is stronger! I wish I could be my old self again. I would love to go back in time and change this part of my life.
I feel like my experience was way to easy looking back. Don't get me wrong while I was going through it it was pure hell!! I hid a lot of it from everyone. I tried to never let myself break down in front of anyone. I did not want anyone to know how scared I was--I needed to be strong for them so that they were strong for me. But now looking back--I'm afraid the worst isn't over yet.
I promise I will give you a brief history of my cancer experience one day but not yet. When I do it I want to do it right.
I could cry right now. We are about 7 minutes from the center--I don't even have to look up to know this--I can feel it. My heart is racing, the tears are in my eyes, my stomach is aching. I am sure it is all for nothing.....I keep telling myself that but I don't seem to be listening very well today.
I feel so bad for my husband and son. The poor guys are sick and having to put up with my anxiety shit today just isn't right. They are being angels to me as always. They deserve a wife/mom that is stronger! I wish I could be my old self again. I would love to go back in time and change this part of my life.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Happy St. Patty's Day to you
I love being Irish:) I am very proud of it. Today is very special to me so many different reasons. Not only is it an Irish Holiday, its my Grandie's birthday ( would not be polite to say how old the ol'bird is, lol) and I am 15 months Cancer free today.....well hopefully God willing all the test come back good *fingers crossed*. Also my 13th Anniversary is this Sunday. So even though I get a little blue around March 15 (my Dad passed 4 years ago) I am usually green by the 17th:)
Its always fun for our family on St. Patrick's Day. My kids love to dress up in all kinds of green attire. My daughter especially. She goes all out and even puts green in her hair. She is such a beautiful young woman. My son is not as all out as she is but he makes sure to wear as much green as possible. Me, well for now I'm laying bed still (I don't work till 12 today) but I have my green St. Patty shirt on and my shamrock socks. I am sure I will be all decked out by 11:20:)
May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire
May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do--
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.
Its always fun for our family on St. Patrick's Day. My kids love to dress up in all kinds of green attire. My daughter especially. She goes all out and even puts green in her hair. She is such a beautiful young woman. My son is not as all out as she is but he makes sure to wear as much green as possible. Me, well for now I'm laying bed still (I don't work till 12 today) but I have my green St. Patty shirt on and my shamrock socks. I am sure I will be all decked out by 11:20:)
May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire
May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do--
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Waiting.....
I feel like I am always waiting.....
Waiting for my day off
Waiting to go to work
Waiting to get off work
Waiting for finances to get better
Waiting to feel better
Waiting for this and that
always waiting......not living!!
I feel like I've spent my whole life waiting....waiting for my life to start. While I've been waiting my life is passing me by:(
I don't want to wait anymore!! I want to start living, really living!!
*UGH*
Waiting for my day off
Waiting to go to work
Waiting to get off work
Waiting for finances to get better
Waiting to feel better
Waiting for this and that
always waiting......not living!!
I feel like I've spent my whole life waiting....waiting for my life to start. While I've been waiting my life is passing me by:(
I don't want to wait anymore!! I want to start living, really living!!
*UGH*
Next Round of Doctors appointment:(
Today's appointment is with my OB/GYN. I am such a big baby when it comes to going to my Gynecologist. Don't get me wrong I think my doctor is fabulous! He is the first male OB/GYN that I ever been seen by that I actually liked. He is very personable and takes the time to talk to my husband and I so that we understand what is going on. I have been through so much in the last several years, its means a lot to have a doctor I trust and respect. All that being said I am so nervous. I am afraid of the cancer coming back. I am able to suppress the fear most of the time but its so overwhelming today. Like I said I am such a big baby.
My doctor's office is an hour drive from our house so my hubby tries to make plans to do other things while we are down that way. It's kind of like a treat per say. Well at least I look at it that way:) So far today we stop by the bank and the lawyer's office on the way down...that wasn't the treat part but its 2 errands I don't have to worry about now. We will probably grab something to eat after my appointment....thats the treat part. Well maybe
Have I mentioned that we (as a family) have been discussing limiting our intake of meat. My hubby has a friend that is a Raw Veganthat he has been conversing with lately A lot of what he has to say is very compelling. I am tired of feeling like crap all the time! Maybe it is the food that I am eating. When I was going through Chemo I had a very restricted diet, I wasn't able to eat certain food without my body reacting to it. Maybe my body was telling me something.....maybe I should have kept listening to it instead of going back to eating the same old crap again? It worth a try at least anyway.
Sunday I didn't have any kind of meat the whole day and I do have to say I did seem to feel not so *UGH*....don't get me wrong I didn't feel wonderful or anything. So far the last couple of days I haven't had any red meat-- I have had fish/poultry-- and I have feel pretty decent. We will see.
My doctor's office is an hour drive from our house so my hubby tries to make plans to do other things while we are down that way. It's kind of like a treat per say. Well at least I look at it that way:) So far today we stop by the bank and the lawyer's office on the way down...that wasn't the treat part but its 2 errands I don't have to worry about now. We will probably grab something to eat after my appointment....thats the treat part. Well maybe
Have I mentioned that we (as a family) have been discussing limiting our intake of meat. My hubby has a friend that is a Raw Veganthat he has been conversing with lately A lot of what he has to say is very compelling. I am tired of feeling like crap all the time! Maybe it is the food that I am eating. When I was going through Chemo I had a very restricted diet, I wasn't able to eat certain food without my body reacting to it. Maybe my body was telling me something.....maybe I should have kept listening to it instead of going back to eating the same old crap again? It worth a try at least anyway.
Sunday I didn't have any kind of meat the whole day and I do have to say I did seem to feel not so *UGH*....don't get me wrong I didn't feel wonderful or anything. So far the last couple of days I haven't had any red meat-- I have had fish/poultry-- and I have feel pretty decent. We will see.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Hello Blogspot
Its been a couple of days since I last blogged Oh My.....
Everyone in my house ended up having the stomach flu:( it was nasty!! Connor was sent home from school for puking in the middle of Home Economics class....of all places to get sick, poor guy. I was up all night with him. I felt so sorry for him. I have not seen him that sick since he was a little boy.
It passed to me next but it ran its course (thankfully) a whole lot faster. I was out of commission for 24 hours. Work was very difficult but I pushed through.
Liz was out for 2 days and now Warren's getting it:( I will be so glad when we all are well again!
Thats enough for now.
Everyone in my house ended up having the stomach flu:( it was nasty!! Connor was sent home from school for puking in the middle of Home Economics class....of all places to get sick, poor guy. I was up all night with him. I felt so sorry for him. I have not seen him that sick since he was a little boy.
It passed to me next but it ran its course (thankfully) a whole lot faster. I was out of commission for 24 hours. Work was very difficult but I pushed through.
Liz was out for 2 days and now Warren's getting it:( I will be so glad when we all are well again!
Thats enough for now.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sick Son:(
My son has been very sick for over a week.....first my daughter was sick but not quite as sick. She seemed to have a lingering cold maybe a touch of the flu. My son is worse. He started off with a bad case of the flu and it only seems to be getting worse. I spent all of last night sitting beside him washing his face after he puked trying to keep him comfortable. He has gotten so weak and pale it is scary. He's been to see the doctor twice. He's doctor thinks that its two different illnesses that subsided with each other:(
Poor kid is having a horrible time of it! I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do for him. I was suppose to have Jury Duty today but I just could not leave him. My husband stayed home to be with him today so that I could go but after being up all night with him I wan't worth crap this morning anyway. I am so tired but I can't leave his side to go take a nap yet. Not at least until my husband gets back with his meds. Once he gets his meds and he starts showing some signs of feeling better I will go lay down.....
Its times like this I wish I did not have to worry about anything but my family. It seems I am always wanting to put them first but work and money seem to be the priority. One day I will be the Mom/wife I want to be I just hope its not too late:(
Poor kid is having a horrible time of it! I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do for him. I was suppose to have Jury Duty today but I just could not leave him. My husband stayed home to be with him today so that I could go but after being up all night with him I wan't worth crap this morning anyway. I am so tired but I can't leave his side to go take a nap yet. Not at least until my husband gets back with his meds. Once he gets his meds and he starts showing some signs of feeling better I will go lay down.....
Its times like this I wish I did not have to worry about anything but my family. It seems I am always wanting to put them first but work and money seem to be the priority. One day I will be the Mom/wife I want to be I just hope its not too late:(
First Experience at Jury Duty
This has been one of those weeks UGH!
I started Jury Duty this week. So far I've only had to report Monday. Very interesting process I must say. I know it is very important but it seems like a lot of wasted time. To be able to get a parking space suitable for my handicapped self I had to be there over an hour early. Then I got into line 15 minutes before the door open to ensure I heard all the instructions. We got to go through the metal detectors. This was the first time I had been through a metal detector since I started using a cane. Wasn't a problem:) Me being me stopped by the first rest room I came across before going into the assigned court room (which I was so glad I did later). No one is giving instructions at first. Some of the jurors a head of me were just going in and sitting down. That did not make sense to me so I asked. Yep that was wrong. We were suppose to be going to the front of the court room to get checked in. Yeah me for being smart enough to ask:) After checking in the waiting game began--ooh and the bailiff in charge of the jury came (I was part of the early group) and she took over!! She gave instruction on the proper way to get checked in. She was very stern, at first she seemed kind of bitchy but she was just trying to get control of the situation.
It took forever to get everyone checked in (25 groups)! Especially since not everyone followed directions very well. I was one of the first to get checked in so I ended up sitting in a bad spot for someone with my medical problem. All the way on the inside of a pew...that was so dumb of me but in my defence I did not realize I would be pushed down like that when I originally sat down. I brought a book with me, that was smart of me. When I wasn't reading, I was being friendly with the people around me. Definitely some interesting people. All types of people from all walks of life.
Once everyone was checked in we got to watch a film from the eighties on the jury process. Then the presiding judge came to talk to us about the case and what the selection process would en tel. The FINALLY a bathroom break!! 100 women all trying to get into 4 stalls yeah that was fun....reminded me of being at the fair waiting to go to the port-a-potty. I say that because I the privilege of using a stall behind a nasty inconsiderate bitch that peed all over the seat and the floor!! OMG I hate that sooo bad!! I understand not wanting to get germs from the toilet but wtf I don't want yours either!! ewe
Back to the waiting again. We had to wait for the team lawyers to come in and get situated. Then the rounds of disqualifying question came. Over half the jury had to go up to speak to the Judge and the lawyers to see if they would be requested from this trail. Process took forever!! Finally clerk starts to call random names 1 seat at a time until there are 12 jurors seated. Then the lawyers get to challenge the jurors chosen, More waiting....needless to say I was not picked. After about an hour of challenging the jury and alternate jury members were set and everyone else was dismissed:) With the finally instructions to call after 5pm for instructions for the next day......
I started Jury Duty this week. So far I've only had to report Monday. Very interesting process I must say. I know it is very important but it seems like a lot of wasted time. To be able to get a parking space suitable for my handicapped self I had to be there over an hour early. Then I got into line 15 minutes before the door open to ensure I heard all the instructions. We got to go through the metal detectors. This was the first time I had been through a metal detector since I started using a cane. Wasn't a problem:) Me being me stopped by the first rest room I came across before going into the assigned court room (which I was so glad I did later). No one is giving instructions at first. Some of the jurors a head of me were just going in and sitting down. That did not make sense to me so I asked. Yep that was wrong. We were suppose to be going to the front of the court room to get checked in. Yeah me for being smart enough to ask:) After checking in the waiting game began--ooh and the bailiff in charge of the jury came (I was part of the early group) and she took over!! She gave instruction on the proper way to get checked in. She was very stern, at first she seemed kind of bitchy but she was just trying to get control of the situation.
It took forever to get everyone checked in (25 groups)! Especially since not everyone followed directions very well. I was one of the first to get checked in so I ended up sitting in a bad spot for someone with my medical problem. All the way on the inside of a pew...that was so dumb of me but in my defence I did not realize I would be pushed down like that when I originally sat down. I brought a book with me, that was smart of me. When I wasn't reading, I was being friendly with the people around me. Definitely some interesting people. All types of people from all walks of life.
Once everyone was checked in we got to watch a film from the eighties on the jury process. Then the presiding judge came to talk to us about the case and what the selection process would en tel. The FINALLY a bathroom break!! 100 women all trying to get into 4 stalls yeah that was fun....reminded me of being at the fair waiting to go to the port-a-potty. I say that because I the privilege of using a stall behind a nasty inconsiderate bitch that peed all over the seat and the floor!! OMG I hate that sooo bad!! I understand not wanting to get germs from the toilet but wtf I don't want yours either!! ewe
Back to the waiting again. We had to wait for the team lawyers to come in and get situated. Then the rounds of disqualifying question came. Over half the jury had to go up to speak to the Judge and the lawyers to see if they would be requested from this trail. Process took forever!! Finally clerk starts to call random names 1 seat at a time until there are 12 jurors seated. Then the lawyers get to challenge the jurors chosen, More waiting....needless to say I was not picked. After about an hour of challenging the jury and alternate jury members were set and everyone else was dismissed:) With the finally instructions to call after 5pm for instructions for the next day......
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday.......
Today is Wednesday.....yeah. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. Work was productive. Tomorrow will be tough but that's tomorrow not today. Only 2 more days until my next day off, lol.
The Love of My Life made me a wonderful dinner! I love when he cooks for me. He made pepper steak and stir fry veggies. I was expecting "Pepper Steak" as in green peppers, onions and steak in a brown sauce. He made Peppered Steak with stir fry veggies w/extra onions. It was still VERY GOOD. I am the luckiest wife in the world. No matter what he says.
I joined an online Cervical Cancer Support Group a few days. So far I am enjoying having so many women who know what I've been going through to give me support. I wish I had found the group when I was first diagnosed. I've done the exact same search a dozen time and have never seen the site before....so strange.
Time to go do family stuff for a little while:)
The Love of My Life made me a wonderful dinner! I love when he cooks for me. He made pepper steak and stir fry veggies. I was expecting "Pepper Steak" as in green peppers, onions and steak in a brown sauce. He made Peppered Steak with stir fry veggies w/extra onions. It was still VERY GOOD. I am the luckiest wife in the world. No matter what he says.
I joined an online Cervical Cancer Support Group a few days. So far I am enjoying having so many women who know what I've been going through to give me support. I wish I had found the group when I was first diagnosed. I've done the exact same search a dozen time and have never seen the site before....so strange.
Time to go do family stuff for a little while:)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
What do I want to blog about today?
I told you I joined a new online support group, right? Well anyway I did. So far I am enjoying it. My hubby is worried about me re-living my experiences but in actuality it is good for me to have somewhere I can get these emotions out. I can talk to these women and they know what I am talking about even when I can articulate it. I was asked to give a bit of my history so that the other women could get to know me. It took me several hours to decide exactly what I wanted to say and how to say it. It felt good telling my story even if it was shortened condensed version. One day I will write out my whole story but not yet...before I do I want to know all the proper terms and what-not. To me it is important.
Anyway like I said I am enjoying being apart of the group. Once I learn how to navigate around the site better I think its going to be a huge resource for me. I have had a tough time the last couple of years it would have been nice to have had a support group to turn to. Don't get me wrong my hubby has been a great support to me but he has not been through it like these women have been. Sometimes it helps to have someone tell you how they copped with a situation like this.
Time to go hang out with the hubby in the kitchen.....
Anyway like I said I am enjoying being apart of the group. Once I learn how to navigate around the site better I think its going to be a huge resource for me. I have had a tough time the last couple of years it would have been nice to have had a support group to turn to. Don't get me wrong my hubby has been a great support to me but he has not been through it like these women have been. Sometimes it helps to have someone tell you how they copped with a situation like this.
Time to go hang out with the hubby in the kitchen.....
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
First Post on my new Blog:)
I enjoy blogging and I don't do it for anyone but myself. I find it a good way to work out some of the mixed up emotions I seem to always be experiencing. If you don't like what I have to say then please don't read it......Thank you
The Irish Queen
The Irish Queen
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