My Story part 1

I've never really told my story, not many have really wanted to hear.

Where do I begin?

How about the beginning.....I was born in Georgia but was raised in the Panhandle of Florida. I had very young parents that were not ready for kids. I love my Mom and my Dad because that is what children are suppose to do. I never had a healthy relationship with my Dad. He had his own demons that he was working through when I needed him as a father figure...then he died at an early age. I miss him and the Father that he could have been. I do my best to remember the good times but its hard when there were so many not so good ones. The bad memories always seem to over-shadow the good ones.

My Mom...she was so young when she had me, she was merely a kid herself. I don't know the whole story of my father and her, just bits and pieces. I know my father made lots of bad decisions and was a horrible husband but died loving my Mother, regretting how his life had ended without her. Mom is a very beautiful woman-that I have worshiped my whole life even when we were estranged. She did her best with what she was given. That's the best way I can put it. She wasn't June Cleaver at all! She didn't have it easy and didn't always make the right decision either. I look back now and see things so different than I did at the time. At the time I didn't understand and it hurt.

I was an abused child. I was abused in multiple ways, by multiple people, for multiple years. I always thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treat that way. It caused me to have no self esteem and to look at things differently than others. I do my best to block out the bad but it always seems to seep back in. I carry it around with me always. I am a very emotional person. I do my best to hide it.

I have made a lot of  mistakes in my life.....I am a work in progress to becoming the person I was always meant to be.

I moved to Delaware when I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father was my high school sweet heart. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I needed someone to love me so bad ....in my mind I made our relationship to be what I needed it to be. I did love him---what I knew of love. He was only 22 when she was born and not ready to be a Daddy or to settle down or anything I needed. I do believe he loved me but could not be what I needed him to be. I hated him for years. Not just for hurting me but for not being the father to our daughter I sooo wanted him to be. I wanted my daughter to have something I didn't. I wanted to be a happy family. I guess I shouldnt have put that pressure on him. I made mistakes, said things, done things I regret but having my daughter has never been one of them, for that I have to thank him.

I ran home for a few months after Elizabeth was born. I needed to collect the pieces of my broken heart and to figure out how to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby girl. Elizabeth became my whole world. I moved back to Delaware when she was only a few months old. I wanted her to be near her father--I believed him when he said he wanted to be a part of her life. They have never had a strong relationship-she has her very own Daddy Issues.

I put myself through college when she was still a baby. I was determined to prove everyone wrong-I was going to be a good mother to Elizabeth. It was tough. I did have help. I lived with her Great Aunt and Uncle while I was getting back on my feet...I had no family to lean on. They were very strict on me. I had rules I had to abide by--which were very difficult at first for me, I had lived on my own since I was 15 years old.