Anxiety

I can not express how much anxiety I am experiencing right now!! I am on my way to the cancer center for my re-staging results. I am sure I am fine but I can't get it out of my head the cancer could be back.

I feel like my experience was way to easy looking back. Don't get me wrong while I was going through it it was pure hell!! I hid a lot of it from everyone. I tried to never let myself break down in front of anyone. I did not want anyone to know how scared I was--I needed to be strong for them so that they were strong for me. But now looking back--I'm afraid the worst isn't over yet.

I promise I will give you a brief history of my cancer experience one day but not yet. When I do it I want to do it right.

I could cry right now. We are about 7 minutes from the center--I don't even have to look up to know this--I can feel it. My heart is racing, the tears are in my eyes, my stomach is aching. I am sure it is all for nothing.....I keep telling myself that but I don't seem to be listening very well today.

I feel so bad for my husband and son. The poor guys are sick and having to put up with my anxiety shit today just isn't right. They are being angels to me as always. They deserve a wife/mom that is stronger!  I wish I could be my old self again.  I would love to go back in time and change this part of my life.

Happy St. Patty's Day to you

I love being Irish:) I am very proud of it. Today is very special to me so many different reasons. Not only is it an Irish Holiday, its my Grandie's birthday ( would not be polite to say how old the ol'bird is, lol) and I am 15 months Cancer free today.....well hopefully God willing all the test come back good *fingers crossed*. Also my 13th Anniversary is this Sunday.  So even though I get a little blue around March 15 (my Dad passed 4 years ago) I am usually green by the 17th:)

Its always fun for our family on St. Patrick's Day. My kids love to dress up in all kinds of green attire. My daughter especially. She goes all out and even puts green in her hair. She is such a beautiful young woman. My son is not as all out as she is but he makes sure to wear as much green as possible.  Me, well for now I'm laying bed still (I don't work till 12 today) but I have my green St. Patty shirt on and my shamrock socks. I am sure I will be all decked out by 11:20:)

May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire
May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go,
and guide you in whatever you do--
and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

Waiting.....

I feel like I am always waiting.....
Waiting for my day off
Waiting to go to work
Waiting to get off work
Waiting for finances to get better
Waiting to feel better
Waiting for this and that
always waiting......not living!!
I feel like I've spent my whole life waiting....waiting for my life to start. While I've been waiting my life is passing me by:(
I don't want to wait anymore!! I want to start living, really living!!
*UGH*

Next Round of Doctors appointment:(

Today's appointment is with my OB/GYN. I am such a big baby when it comes to going to my Gynecologist. Don't get me wrong I think my doctor is fabulous! He is the first male OB/GYN that I ever been seen by that I actually liked. He is very personable and takes the time to talk to my husband and I so that we understand what is going on. I have been through so much in the last several years, its means a lot to have a doctor I trust and respect.  All that being said I am so nervous. I am afraid of the cancer coming back. I am able to suppress the fear most of the time but its so overwhelming today. Like I said I am such a big baby.

My doctor's office is an hour drive from our house so my hubby tries to make plans to do other things while we are down that way. It's kind of like a treat per say. Well at least I look at it that way:) So far today we stop by the bank and the lawyer's office on the way down...that wasn't the treat part but its 2 errands I don't have to worry about now. We will probably grab something to eat after my appointment....thats the treat part. Well maybe

Have I mentioned that we (as a family) have been discussing limiting our intake of meat. My hubby has a friend that is a Raw Vegan (only eats raw veggies/fruits) that he has been conversing with lately  A lot of what he has to say is very compelling. I am tired of feeling like crap all the time! Maybe it is the food that I am eating. When I was going through Chemo I had a very restricted diet, I wasn't able to eat certain food without my body reacting to it. Maybe my body was telling me something.....maybe I should have kept listening to it instead of going back to eating the same old crap again? It worth a try at least anyway.  

Sunday I didn't have any kind of meat the whole day and I do have to say I did seem to feel not so *UGH*....don't get me wrong I didn't feel wonderful or anything. So far the last couple of days I haven't had any red meat-- I have had fish/poultry-- and I have feel pretty decent.  We will see.