It's been a minute

Thought I was finally making progress... My spine specialist, Orthopedic Specialist and Neurologist were all working together! They felt I needed to see a neurosurgeon... Dr. B. Lee... Has great credentials! 

My first appointment with him was extremely thorough. We discussed all my symptoms, What treatments I had had so far, he looked over all my mri's and x-rays. He discussed my environment and my work habits past history.....it was a two and a half hour appointment. He felt the Chiari malformation definitely was a corporate for everything going on but he wanted to be sure before going forward with decompression surgery. He sent me to see an ENT and a Specialized optometrist...all the while I swear my head and body aches have gotten worse!!

Dr.B.Lee is referring me to Johns Hopkins now.....test came back with mixed results and he wants me to see a Chiari Malformation Specialist before continuing treatment....I'm just so fucking frustrated. I know I shouldn't. be but I am. I didn't expect him to schedule surgery right away by the way he talked during my last visit but I just hate being passed on to another specialist... I feel like a fucking rag doll!! My whole fucking life is nothing but being a rag doll. 

My mood is for shits.. I'm slipping further into my rabbit whole lately. Im finding it harder and harder to find any kind of relief or joy! Relationships are crumpling around me... I'm lost! 

Rag Doll

I think my biggest problem besides having PTSD already.. when I lay down to try to go to sleep and its quiet the demons take hold. They whisper in my ear the harshness that I already feel but stamp down when I'm conscience. They remind me of things I don't want to remember which plays on me because they go along with the harsh truth I feel right now. Things in my past.. things that were done to me, were said to me, that broke me physically, emotionally and mentally. The things I've tried so hard to over come, to hide, to not feel. They have been hitting me hard and I'm finding myself allowing others to make me feel like that broken and torn rag doll again. I don't know how to fight the demons anymore. I don't know if I'm just so exhausted from the pain I'm in physically that I don't have any fight left? I just don't know. 

Darkness

 Made a mistake and come out of my rabbit hole... WTF was I thinking 🤔. Sometimes the darkness just takes me. It's lonely and consuming. But I thought I was okay. Thought it was going to be a good day. What was I thinking seriously! 

I need to be able to let things just roll off my back. Let people go. I can't control what they think of me nor is it any of my business! All it does is eat away at me. Make me feel like a Ragdoll no one really wants. 

Im better than this. I preach to others about their self worth and how beautiful they are.. why because I don't want anyone feeling the way I do! I don't want them crying in the darkness like I do. I don't want them crushed under the broken pieces of their inner being. Beaten and bruised by the insecurities magnified by judgemental assholes who have no fucking clue only perceptions. 

I know I'm a nobody but this nobody does her best to be the light for others even when I'm in my own darkness. As far as those judgemental self righteous asses up on their high horses looking down on me maybe just maybe if they'd taken the time to learn my past they'd understand why I do some of the things I do. 

When I'm hurt or depressed I have shitty coping mechanism. I know. It's not an excuse but maybe just maybe it's an explanation other than what they assumed. So now I'm doing my best to fight my darkness and my walls are up. 

Goddess

 Author unknown.

Hello Goddess.

Goddess: Hello.....

Me: I'm falling apart..

Can you put me back together?

Goddess: I would rather not.

Me: Why?

Goddess: Because you aren't a puzzle.

Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?

Goddess: Let them stay there for a while.

They fell off for a reason.

Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.

Me: You don't understand!

I'm breaking down!

Goddess: No - you don't understand.

You are breaking through.

What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back.

You aren't falling apart.

You are falling into place.

Relax.

Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you.

Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore.

Let them fall off.

Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?

Goddess: Only the very best pieces of you.

Me: I'm scared of changing.

Goddess: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming who?

Goddess: Becoming who I created you to be!

A person of light, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion.

I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear.

Let those things fall off of you.

I love you!

Don't change!

Become! Become! Become!

Become who I made you to be.

I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.

Me: There goes another piece.

Goddess: Yep. Let it be.

Me: So...I'm not broken?

Goddess: No - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!

Rabbit Hole

 I hate days like today. I feel absolutely useless. Even though I have all these medicines to take I still feel like absolute hell. The worst I feel more in my head I get. I have so much to be thankful for but on days like this it's hard to think of any of them.

I just want to jump down my rabbit hole and never come out again. I feel alone and forgotten sometimes. I know there are those that would be at my door in a heartbeat if I just let them but I hate being that burden. I'm so used to always being the one that took care of others. I hate being this person now. I feel like I have nothing to offer the world. So frustrated. So overwhelmed.

My head keeps me in a fog. I have a hard time finding joy in anything on days like today. I find myself crying for no reason. I know I have friends that would say "why don't you just message me" .. I just don't know. I don't want to put my burdens that I barely understand on someone else. 

I feel so useless. So stressed. So alone. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of feeling like this. So I take another pill to chase the pain away but it doesn't work. I want to be normal again. I feel like I've missed so much. All I want to do is climb down my rabbit hole.

LOA Part 2

 Just dawned on me I sort of left you hanging on the LOA during a pandemic post....

I'll do some summing up for you...

I had my gallbladder removed in Aug 2020. Then was sent to a Gastric Specialist. And that's an on going thing still. 

September I was refered to a new team of Neurologists. I was so excited. I thought finally this shit is going to get figured out! I was going to finally get some relief. I'll do a separate post about PA FuckFace and Everything later but needless to say he was not the greatness I had been hoping for.

My LOA continued... Frustration, horrible pain and depression also continued. 

December I was set to switch over to Long Term Disability but PA FuckFace kind of fucked it up and even though my Primary Doctor and Gastroenterologist Sent in all the documents needed my LTD was denied. ADA approved me to stay out on leave without pay. So I'm technically still employed but without benefits or an income. It's definitely been a huge stressful challenge. 

In January during my visit with my Primary Doctor I brought up the pain in my chest/shoulder/arm again (which I've done every visit). My insurance had refused to approve any scans because the ER said my heart was fine. But this time I had new insurance (couldn't just not have any because my place of employment took it away). My new insurance approved an MRI for my upper quad. Guess what!! I have several SLAP lesions, bruised bone and onset of osteoporosis in my shoulder 😮.. Fuck My Life 😂😂

Okay I'm ending there for the night. Big hugs

Saturday

 Another Saturday spent in bed... Most would love to have a Saturday of nothing but laying in bed binge watching their favorite series. At this point I am not one of them. 

Even medicated up I am still in pain. I'm doing my best to stay out of my head. To not let this get to me. To keep pushing through. Taking the medicines and following my doctors instructions. Resting, sleeping when the pain get to much, which seems more and more often. 

Enough boohooing...the point of me blogging is to get out of my head. 

Today's binge watching pleasure is TWD. It used to be my favorite tv series. I'm several seasons behind. Once I left my husband and moved in with my bff I didn't have anyone to watch it with. It became a reminder of what I left behind. Even though my marriage sucked in a lot of ways, it wasn't all bad. Watching a TV series that had been a family event became to much. Several years down the road it feels okay to watch again... Even without anyone to watch with me. 

The series has definitely strayed from the comics, which could be considered a good thing. If you don't know what's going to happen you are part of the adventure. Having main characters killed off has blown my mind and at first pissed me off.  Oh well. It's something I can watch without having to put much thought into and I'm getting to meet all kinds of new characters. 

Hopefully if I stay in bed and just relax my head won't get any worse today. Fingers crossed 🤞. 

No PT today

Another rough night but I was determined to go to PT this morning... My body and head had other ideas. I can push through doing PT with a headache or even a level 6 migraine... I've even mustered through (barely) a 7... This morning ugh.. 

I trying so hard. My back kept seizing up. I would take a few minutes to try and relax it. The more it hurt the worse my head would get but I was still determined... I needed to go to PT. I want to get better! I want to be whole again. 

My head...I don't usually take meds before PT but this morning I had to. I was trying so hard. I no more walked outside into the sun and about lost it. OMG the pain shot through my whole body. I about puked right there on the sidewalk. I made it back upstairs just barely before it all came up. The water I'd been sipping on, the meds I had taken trying to push through... Sorry 😐. 

So no PT today. Back to bed. So far this cervical injection has not helped me at all but maybe in the next few days I'll get some relief. Maybe tomorrow I'll suddenly feel better....

Thank you for letting me vent... again Big Hugs

Cervical spine injections

Procedure went well. I didn't pass out or flatline this time.. huge plus!! Doc says hopefully I should see some results in the next 7-10 🤞🤞🤞🤞 

Then....

Having one of my bad nights. Taken all the meds I can and still in horrible pain. Anyone else would go to the ER but for me, what's the point. They can't help me. My Specialist can't so far. I keep trying to push through the pain and act like I'm okay... I'm not okay. I don't want to be this person. I'm not looking for sympathy just needed to vent... Hoping if I put it out there I can manifest it away.

And another day goes by....

It's been horrible the last few days. My migraines have been off the chart ridiculous. The cervical injection may not be playing well with the Chiari Malformation. Hopefully today will be better. I go back to PT tomorrow. 

Hoping my Rx for the Reyvow will be approved today finally... My insurance isn't wanting to approve it even with me paying the $807 for it 🤕. I need to get all this under control so I can find some kind of job. Credit Cards can only hold out so long. 🥺

I apologize for venting so much lately. Big Hugs

April fool's???

Grrrr I need to vent for a moment. 

Okay so I am not doing great medically. On average I see one doctor or another weekly for months now. 

A few months ago I had to cancel/reschedule my appointment with my Endocrinologist due to conflicting appointments. When I called I was having one of my bad migraine days and the girl who answered the phone was obviously overwhelmed with clients. So she took note I needed to cancel and would have to call me back to reschedule. Totally didn't phase me until a week or so ago I hadn't heard from anyone about rescheduling. I called the office but wasn't able to get through. My Rx for Levothyroxine was about to run out. So I put a request for an updated prescription. Still didn't hear anything. I tried again and finally got thru. Mind you the voice prompts are all the same. I followed them thru but this time instead of hitting the indicated prompt via the guided voice I hit 0 to talk to the next available customer service person for the office. When she answered I explained my issue and asked to make an appointment. She laughed, I'm not kidding, told me ohh he's not practiced here since well before Christmas 😳 I'd need to seek out a doctor elsewhere! She rambled off a couple names then said Good Luck and hung up. Seriously WTF 😒. 

My primary doctor is wonderful, she wrote a Rx for Levothyroxine to get me through until I could get into a new Endocrinologist. Now I'm calling around to see who I can get into... Yea no one will see me without reviewing my records first. I called back to the office to see if they could send my records.. The same person I spoke to before answered. I explained the situation and what I needed. She was like I'm not sure what to tell you maybe your primary doctor can help. 😳 Omg. Seriously I truly wish I was making this up! Stress makes my head hurt worse so I didn't even engage in arguing. Now I'm sitting here wondering wtf happened that his patients are being treated like this? I mean normally when a Doctor leaves a practice letters are sent out to inform the patients and we are given an opportunity to get our records. Nope nothing. I'm just dumbfounded. Ok end of rant. 

LOA during a Pandemic

I don't know if the pandemic brought on the migraine or what but here it was! I saw my doctor multiple times with no relief. She actually told me if it kept on to make a trip to the ER... 😳 That scared the shit out of me. We are in the heat of a fucking pandemic and I'm being told to go to ER!! I finally had to give in. I just couldn't take it anymore. My son was to overwhelmed with the idea of going anywhere near the hospital so my ex drove me down to Salisbury. I've had better luck going over the state line to that hospital... I was taken back right away. I went over everything going on. I'm focusing on my head but I also mentioned the chest/shoulder/arm pain.. Next thing I know I'm hooked up to all kinds of monitors, EKG is being done, blood is being drawn, x-rays and MRI is being ordered...omg 

Test are coming back my heart is fine. I never thought it was my heart and made that clear buttttt no one was listening! Once they decided I wasn't having a heart attack they started concentrating on the massive migraines I'm boohooing about (after I threw up) yep it was that bad. They hooked me up to an IV for an ER migraine cocktail! It barely touched my head. 

The ER doc came in with the MRI results. She said they didn't see anything major and went over a laundry list of the next steps I should take. Setting up appointments for my primary doctor, seeing a Neurologist, having my eyes checked and possibly touching base with my Endocrinologist. Then they sent me on my way...

I'm so frustrated and in so much pain. At this point I know I'm not going to be able to go back to work so I start the process to extend my time off into a Leave of Absence. Omg that really showed me how much my bosses didn't give a fuck about me as a person real quick. But at this point I'm in so much pain I'm not functioning. I'm having horrible Neurological issues. 

I'm not going to go into play by play but over the next several months I go through the list of should does from the ER. My eyes are fine. My primary decides I may have a gallbladder issue and takes me down that route. The first Neurologist informs me I have Chiara Malformation I, gives me a list of don't do's and starts me on Emgality then sends me on my way to not be seen again for 3 months 😳. 

Okay my head is spiking so I'm stopping here for now.  Thanks for hanging out with me ❤️

Life is upside down....

Life is so upside down and inside out...

I know where the fuck have I been? I don't even know where to begin!

2020 Was supposed be my year of great changes....We all know 2020 was the year of WTF!!! for everyone. 

My year of change was planned out...

New Job

Ridding my life of Toxic People

Getting my Finances straight

Building myself up 

Getting back in shape

Making new friends

Finding myself

And hopefully finding a good man

Well none of that worked out at all! I don't even know where to start...damn 

Ok well I did get a new job that seemed great until the pandemic hit... essential business meant that we were short-handed and overrun with people who were bored on quarantine! I made a few videos about it and ruffled quite a few feathers of some friends with my thoughts... For once I didn't care who I upset! I let it be known what I thought. Found out some I thought were true friends weren't annnnd that's okay. If it meant I was alone so be it. I was done with fake friends. 

Working during a pandemic in an essential business is bullshit! Yea I said it. I found my Empath self being overwhelmed with darkness. But being the workaholic I am I pushed through it!!! I pushed and pushed until my body literally said Fuck you I'm done!! I thought I had been infected by one of the hundreds of inconsiderate people whole felt the pandemic was a Democratic hoax...I had all the symptoms except the respiratory failure. I was scared I won't lie but test came back negative. So I went back to work. 12 hour shift 6 days a week exhausted and doing my best to not throat punch anyone!! But my body kept fighting me. I was stressed and wearing a mask my head by the end of my shift was almost impossible. I was covering so many departments and doing my best to get everything done..my boss just wasn't getting it! She continued to push for more. Expectations were outrageous to meet most shifts. I found myself doing work I knew was to much for me. One of my closing shifts I was flagging for the forklift driver out back trying to get shit filled. It was raining, he was hurrying and turned on me to quickly with a load knocking me down... What did I do I got up and walked it off!!! I mentioned it to my ASM but no report was done..why because holy hell would have come down on me! We already had 3 others that had filed an accident in the last week or so. You know me team player! I know you don't have say anything. I honestly didn't realize how hurt I was at the time...and truly didn't find out for several months. 

Then I lost my Aunt to Covid-19. I was broken! Because of the pandemic I wasn't able to go to the funeral or grieve with my family. Again I was alone. I missed a few days of work. I just couldn't do it. I know, I know that's not like me but between everything I just couldn't. I was in both emotional and physical pain at this point. Instead of getting sympathy for my loss and understanding I got bullshit over my departments. 

We were running on a skeleton crew and I had fucked up by showing my bosses I could do the work of several employees. I earned 3 customer service awards in less than two months. I was running from one department to another covering and preparing for a Corp visit. Plus helping the front end covering lunches and breaks..oh and running and filling online orders. Then my body said "fuck this" again. I had had a migraine everyday for over a month. It was getting so bad I was getting sick and having blackouts. None of the meds I had were working. And omg I was having this horrible pain starting in my chest radiating thru my shoulder and down my arm. I finally had to give in and see a doctor.....

Okay that's enough for now my head is pounding. Time to take some meds and rest. I'll try to post more tomorrow. Goodnight ❤️