Darkness

 Made a mistake and come out of my rabbit hole... WTF was I thinking 🤔. Sometimes the darkness just takes me. It's lonely and consuming. But I thought I was okay. Thought it was going to be a good day. What was I thinking seriously! 

I need to be able to let things just roll off my back. Let people go. I can't control what they think of me nor is it any of my business! All it does is eat away at me. Make me feel like a Ragdoll no one really wants. 

Im better than this. I preach to others about their self worth and how beautiful they are.. why because I don't want anyone feeling the way I do! I don't want them crying in the darkness like I do. I don't want them crushed under the broken pieces of their inner being. Beaten and bruised by the insecurities magnified by judgemental assholes who have no fucking clue only perceptions. 

I know I'm a nobody but this nobody does her best to be the light for others even when I'm in my own darkness. As far as those judgemental self righteous asses up on their high horses looking down on me maybe just maybe if they'd taken the time to learn my past they'd understand why I do some of the things I do. 

When I'm hurt or depressed I have shitty coping mechanism. I know. It's not an excuse but maybe just maybe it's an explanation other than what they assumed. So now I'm doing my best to fight my darkness and my walls are up. 

Goddess

 Author unknown.

Hello Goddess.

Goddess: Hello.....

Me: I'm falling apart..

Can you put me back together?

Goddess: I would rather not.

Me: Why?

Goddess: Because you aren't a puzzle.

Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?

Goddess: Let them stay there for a while.

They fell off for a reason.

Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.

Me: You don't understand!

I'm breaking down!

Goddess: No - you don't understand.

You are breaking through.

What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back.

You aren't falling apart.

You are falling into place.

Relax.

Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you.

Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore.

Let them fall off.

Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?

Goddess: Only the very best pieces of you.

Me: I'm scared of changing.

Goddess: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming who?

Goddess: Becoming who I created you to be!

A person of light, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion.

I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear.

Let those things fall off of you.

I love you!

Don't change!

Become! Become! Become!

Become who I made you to be.

I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.

Me: There goes another piece.

Goddess: Yep. Let it be.

Me: So...I'm not broken?

Goddess: No - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!

Rabbit Hole

 I hate days like today. I feel absolutely useless. Even though I have all these medicines to take I still feel like absolute hell. The worst I feel more in my head I get. I have so much to be thankful for but on days like this it's hard to think of any of them.

I just want to jump down my rabbit hole and never come out again. I feel alone and forgotten sometimes. I know there are those that would be at my door in a heartbeat if I just let them but I hate being that burden. I'm so used to always being the one that took care of others. I hate being this person now. I feel like I have nothing to offer the world. So frustrated. So overwhelmed.

My head keeps me in a fog. I have a hard time finding joy in anything on days like today. I find myself crying for no reason. I know I have friends that would say "why don't you just message me" .. I just don't know. I don't want to put my burdens that I barely understand on someone else. 

I feel so useless. So stressed. So alone. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of feeling like this. So I take another pill to chase the pain away but it doesn't work. I want to be normal again. I feel like I've missed so much. All I want to do is climb down my rabbit hole.

LOA Part 2

 Just dawned on me I sort of left you hanging on the LOA during a pandemic post....

I'll do some summing up for you...

I had my gallbladder removed in Aug 2020. Then was sent to a Gastric Specialist. And that's an on going thing still. 

September I was refered to a new team of Neurologists. I was so excited. I thought finally this shit is going to get figured out! I was going to finally get some relief. I'll do a separate post about PA FuckFace and Everything later but needless to say he was not the greatness I had been hoping for.

My LOA continued... Frustration, horrible pain and depression also continued. 

December I was set to switch over to Long Term Disability but PA FuckFace kind of fucked it up and even though my Primary Doctor and Gastroenterologist Sent in all the documents needed my LTD was denied. ADA approved me to stay out on leave without pay. So I'm technically still employed but without benefits or an income. It's definitely been a huge stressful challenge. 

In January during my visit with my Primary Doctor I brought up the pain in my chest/shoulder/arm again (which I've done every visit). My insurance had refused to approve any scans because the ER said my heart was fine. But this time I had new insurance (couldn't just not have any because my place of employment took it away). My new insurance approved an MRI for my upper quad. Guess what!! I have several SLAP lesions, bruised bone and onset of osteoporosis in my shoulder 😮.. Fuck My Life 😂😂

Okay I'm ending there for the night. Big hugs

Saturday

 Another Saturday spent in bed... Most would love to have a Saturday of nothing but laying in bed binge watching their favorite series. At this point I am not one of them. 

Even medicated up I am still in pain. I'm doing my best to stay out of my head. To not let this get to me. To keep pushing through. Taking the medicines and following my doctors instructions. Resting, sleeping when the pain get to much, which seems more and more often. 

Enough boohooing...the point of me blogging is to get out of my head. 

Today's binge watching pleasure is TWD. It used to be my favorite tv series. I'm several seasons behind. Once I left my husband and moved in with my bff I didn't have anyone to watch it with. It became a reminder of what I left behind. Even though my marriage sucked in a lot of ways, it wasn't all bad. Watching a TV series that had been a family event became to much. Several years down the road it feels okay to watch again... Even without anyone to watch with me. 

The series has definitely strayed from the comics, which could be considered a good thing. If you don't know what's going to happen you are part of the adventure. Having main characters killed off has blown my mind and at first pissed me off.  Oh well. It's something I can watch without having to put much thought into and I'm getting to meet all kinds of new characters. 

Hopefully if I stay in bed and just relax my head won't get any worse today. Fingers crossed 🤞. 

No PT today

Another rough night but I was determined to go to PT this morning... My body and head had other ideas. I can push through doing PT with a headache or even a level 6 migraine... I've even mustered through (barely) a 7... This morning ugh.. 

I trying so hard. My back kept seizing up. I would take a few minutes to try and relax it. The more it hurt the worse my head would get but I was still determined... I needed to go to PT. I want to get better! I want to be whole again. 

My head...I don't usually take meds before PT but this morning I had to. I was trying so hard. I no more walked outside into the sun and about lost it. OMG the pain shot through my whole body. I about puked right there on the sidewalk. I made it back upstairs just barely before it all came up. The water I'd been sipping on, the meds I had taken trying to push through... Sorry 😐. 

So no PT today. Back to bed. So far this cervical injection has not helped me at all but maybe in the next few days I'll get some relief. Maybe tomorrow I'll suddenly feel better....

Thank you for letting me vent... again Big Hugs

Cervical spine injections

Procedure went well. I didn't pass out or flatline this time.. huge plus!! Doc says hopefully I should see some results in the next 7-10 🤞🤞🤞🤞 

Then....

Having one of my bad nights. Taken all the meds I can and still in horrible pain. Anyone else would go to the ER but for me, what's the point. They can't help me. My Specialist can't so far. I keep trying to push through the pain and act like I'm okay... I'm not okay. I don't want to be this person. I'm not looking for sympathy just needed to vent... Hoping if I put it out there I can manifest it away.

And another day goes by....

It's been horrible the last few days. My migraines have been off the chart ridiculous. The cervical injection may not be playing well with the Chiari Malformation. Hopefully today will be better. I go back to PT tomorrow. 

Hoping my Rx for the Reyvow will be approved today finally... My insurance isn't wanting to approve it even with me paying the $807 for it 🤕. I need to get all this under control so I can find some kind of job. Credit Cards can only hold out so long. 🥺

I apologize for venting so much lately. Big Hugs

April fool's???

Grrrr I need to vent for a moment. 

Okay so I am not doing great medically. On average I see one doctor or another weekly for months now. 

A few months ago I had to cancel/reschedule my appointment with my Endocrinologist due to conflicting appointments. When I called I was having one of my bad migraine days and the girl who answered the phone was obviously overwhelmed with clients. So she took note I needed to cancel and would have to call me back to reschedule. Totally didn't phase me until a week or so ago I hadn't heard from anyone about rescheduling. I called the office but wasn't able to get through. My Rx for Levothyroxine was about to run out. So I put a request for an updated prescription. Still didn't hear anything. I tried again and finally got thru. Mind you the voice prompts are all the same. I followed them thru but this time instead of hitting the indicated prompt via the guided voice I hit 0 to talk to the next available customer service person for the office. When she answered I explained my issue and asked to make an appointment. She laughed, I'm not kidding, told me ohh he's not practiced here since well before Christmas 😳 I'd need to seek out a doctor elsewhere! She rambled off a couple names then said Good Luck and hung up. Seriously WTF 😒. 

My primary doctor is wonderful, she wrote a Rx for Levothyroxine to get me through until I could get into a new Endocrinologist. Now I'm calling around to see who I can get into... Yea no one will see me without reviewing my records first. I called back to the office to see if they could send my records.. The same person I spoke to before answered. I explained the situation and what I needed. She was like I'm not sure what to tell you maybe your primary doctor can help. 😳 Omg. Seriously I truly wish I was making this up! Stress makes my head hurt worse so I didn't even engage in arguing. Now I'm sitting here wondering wtf happened that his patients are being treated like this? I mean normally when a Doctor leaves a practice letters are sent out to inform the patients and we are given an opportunity to get our records. Nope nothing. I'm just dumbfounded. Ok end of rant.