what if I'm not enough

I'm sure it's all in my head. I'm sure there's nothing wrong. I'm sure I'm just being over sensitive. But right now all I want is reassurance. I want to be hugged and told I'm enough, that we are good. I want real time together. I want to feel wanted, desired, like I am enough. 

I'm afraid to have a conversation because what if I'm not enough 🥹

fast forward.....

I don't even know the last time I blogged. My life has changed so much the last couple of years. I'm still battling migraines and chronic pains and dark days but my life is fuller now. I had someone come back into my life and pulled me out of my dungeon of darkness. No things are perfect but I love him. 

There are days I wonder about our relationship. He has had a rough life when it's come to women and he sees us as all the same... He's has a wall up, which is understandable to a point. He persued me and I was scared to death of being hurt again. We made promises to each other early on. Sometimes I think he regrets getting into a serious relationship with me. He tries to push me away and makes comments here and there regarding relationships being traps. But then when we are alone sometimes he lets he's wall down and I see how much he loves me it makes it all worth it. 

I find myself in my head a lot. And he's told me he's the same. I do my best to prove to him I'm not like the ones that came after/before me (however you look at it). I'm not going to run around on him or manipulate him, I'm not conniving or selfish. I want him to be happy, to spend time with his kids or buddies or whatever. I want to be a part of his life and to make him happy, feel loved and appreciated. I want to grow old together and make lots of wonderful memories. I want to enjoy life with him not cause him another heartache. I want him to look at me and smile because he knows I'm his. 

If love and life was easy we wouldn't appreciate it. I'm not perfect by a long shot but I love my man with all I am. 

It's been a minute

Thought I was finally making progress... My spine specialist, Orthopedic Specialist and Neurologist were all working together! They felt I needed to see a neurosurgeon... Dr. B. Lee... Has great credentials! 

My first appointment with him was extremely thorough. We discussed all my symptoms, What treatments I had had so far, he looked over all my mri's and x-rays. He discussed my environment and my work habits past history.....it was a two and a half hour appointment. He felt the Chiari malformation definitely was a corporate for everything going on but he wanted to be sure before going forward with decompression surgery. He sent me to see an ENT and a Specialized optometrist...all the while I swear my head and body aches have gotten worse!!

Dr.B.Lee is referring me to Johns Hopkins now.....test came back with mixed results and he wants me to see a Chiari Malformation Specialist before continuing treatment....I'm just so fucking frustrated. I know I shouldn't. be but I am. I didn't expect him to schedule surgery right away by the way he talked during my last visit but I just hate being passed on to another specialist... I feel like a fucking rag doll!! My whole fucking life is nothing but being a rag doll. 

My mood is for shits.. I'm slipping further into my rabbit whole lately. Im finding it harder and harder to find any kind of relief or joy! Relationships are crumpling around me... I'm lost! 

Rag Doll

I think my biggest problem besides having PTSD already.. when I lay down to try to go to sleep and its quiet the demons take hold. They whisper in my ear the harshness that I already feel but stamp down when I'm conscience. They remind me of things I don't want to remember which plays on me because they go along with the harsh truth I feel right now. Things in my past.. things that were done to me, were said to me, that broke me physically, emotionally and mentally. The things I've tried so hard to over come, to hide, to not feel. They have been hitting me hard and I'm finding myself allowing others to make me feel like that broken and torn rag doll again. I don't know how to fight the demons anymore. I don't know if I'm just so exhausted from the pain I'm in physically that I don't have any fight left? I just don't know. 

Darkness

 Made a mistake and come out of my rabbit hole... WTF was I thinking 🤔. Sometimes the darkness just takes me. It's lonely and consuming. But I thought I was okay. Thought it was going to be a good day. What was I thinking seriously! 

I need to be able to let things just roll off my back. Let people go. I can't control what they think of me nor is it any of my business! All it does is eat away at me. Make me feel like a Ragdoll no one really wants. 

Im better than this. I preach to others about their self worth and how beautiful they are.. why because I don't want anyone feeling the way I do! I don't want them crying in the darkness like I do. I don't want them crushed under the broken pieces of their inner being. Beaten and bruised by the insecurities magnified by judgemental assholes who have no fucking clue only perceptions. 

I know I'm a nobody but this nobody does her best to be the light for others even when I'm in my own darkness. As far as those judgemental self righteous asses up on their high horses looking down on me maybe just maybe if they'd taken the time to learn my past they'd understand why I do some of the things I do. 

When I'm hurt or depressed I have shitty coping mechanism. I know. It's not an excuse but maybe just maybe it's an explanation other than what they assumed. So now I'm doing my best to fight my darkness and my walls are up. 

Goddess

 Author unknown.

Hello Goddess.

Goddess: Hello.....

Me: I'm falling apart..

Can you put me back together?

Goddess: I would rather not.

Me: Why?

Goddess: Because you aren't a puzzle.

Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?

Goddess: Let them stay there for a while.

They fell off for a reason.

Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.

Me: You don't understand!

I'm breaking down!

Goddess: No - you don't understand.

You are breaking through.

What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back.

You aren't falling apart.

You are falling into place.

Relax.

Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you.

Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore.

Let them fall off.

Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?

Goddess: Only the very best pieces of you.

Me: I'm scared of changing.

Goddess: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming who?

Goddess: Becoming who I created you to be!

A person of light, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion.

I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear.

Let those things fall off of you.

I love you!

Don't change!

Become! Become! Become!

Become who I made you to be.

I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.

Me: There goes another piece.

Goddess: Yep. Let it be.

Me: So...I'm not broken?

Goddess: No - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!

Rabbit Hole

 I hate days like today. I feel absolutely useless. Even though I have all these medicines to take I still feel like absolute hell. The worst I feel more in my head I get. I have so much to be thankful for but on days like this it's hard to think of any of them.

I just want to jump down my rabbit hole and never come out again. I feel alone and forgotten sometimes. I know there are those that would be at my door in a heartbeat if I just let them but I hate being that burden. I'm so used to always being the one that took care of others. I hate being this person now. I feel like I have nothing to offer the world. So frustrated. So overwhelmed.

My head keeps me in a fog. I have a hard time finding joy in anything on days like today. I find myself crying for no reason. I know I have friends that would say "why don't you just message me" .. I just don't know. I don't want to put my burdens that I barely understand on someone else. 

I feel so useless. So stressed. So alone. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of feeling like this. So I take another pill to chase the pain away but it doesn't work. I want to be normal again. I feel like I've missed so much. All I want to do is climb down my rabbit hole.