Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What a crappy day......
I really can not stand my job some days!! Today was truly one of those days. I don't understand why some people just refuse to be part of the team and go out of their way to cause others so much extra work.
I would love to take this chance to bash the hell out of those ass hats but I will not go there. I keep thinking if I continue doing the right thing others will do the same.......ugh! Well not today.
I am so tired and frustrated. My body hurts and my spirit is broken. I don't have it in me to keep doing this. Not with everything else I have on me. I need a break.
I would love to take this chance to bash the hell out of those ass hats but I will not go there. I keep thinking if I continue doing the right thing others will do the same.......ugh! Well not today.
I am so tired and frustrated. My body hurts and my spirit is broken. I don't have it in me to keep doing this. Not with everything else I have on me. I need a break.
I want to blog.....
but don't know what I want to say. I have so many screwed up emotions lately....
Yesterday was a day:) Spent the day with my Lil Family. I love spending time with my husband and kids when everyone is getting along. We went to look at a house of interest. Then we spent the day discussing and dreaming of the possibilities of what we could do with that house. I love thinking of the future when it looks positive....I so often lately can't see past the doom and dread that is in my head.
The house we looked at would need A LOT of work but its a challenge and once we were done it really could be our dream home. Its in a great location!!! Now to see if the finances are where we want them to be.
I need something in my life that I can focus on that can help keep me positive. If its meant to be it will be:)
Yesterday was a day:) Spent the day with my Lil Family. I love spending time with my husband and kids when everyone is getting along. We went to look at a house of interest. Then we spent the day discussing and dreaming of the possibilities of what we could do with that house. I love thinking of the future when it looks positive....I so often lately can't see past the doom and dread that is in my head.
The house we looked at would need A LOT of work but its a challenge and once we were done it really could be our dream home. Its in a great location!!! Now to see if the finances are where we want them to be.
I need something in my life that I can focus on that can help keep me positive. If its meant to be it will be:)
My Story part 1
I've never really told my story, not many have really wanted to hear.
Where do I begin?
How about the beginning.....I was born in Georgia but was raised in the Panhandle of Florida. I had very young parents that were not ready for kids. I love my Mom and my Dad because that is what children are suppose to do. I never had a healthy relationship with my Dad. He had his own demons that he was working through when I needed him as a father figure...then he died at an early age. I miss him and the Father that he could have been. I do my best to remember the good times but its hard when there were so many not so good ones. The bad memories always seem to over-shadow the good ones.
My Mom...she was so young when she had me, she was merely a kid herself. I don't know the whole story of my father and her, just bits and pieces. I know my father made lots of bad decisions and was a horrible husband but died loving my Mother, regretting how his life had ended without her. Mom is a very beautiful woman-that I have worshiped my whole life even when we were estranged. She did her best with what she was given. That's the best way I can put it. She wasn't June Cleaver at all! She didn't have it easy and didn't always make the right decision either. I look back now and see things so different than I did at the time. At the time I didn't understand and it hurt.
I was an abused child. I was abused in multiple ways, by multiple people, for multiple years. I always thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treat that way. It caused me to have no self esteem and to look at things differently than others. I do my best to block out the bad but it always seems to seep back in. I carry it around with me always. I am a very emotional person. I do my best to hide it.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.....I am a work in progress to becoming the person I was always meant to be.
I moved to Delaware when I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father was my high school sweet heart. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I needed someone to love me so bad ....in my mind I made our relationship to be what I needed it to be. I did love him---what I knew of love. He was only 22 when she was born and not ready to be a Daddy or to settle down or anything I needed. I do believe he loved me but could not be what I needed him to be. I hated him for years. Not just for hurting me but for not being the father to our daughter I sooo wanted him to be. I wanted my daughter to have something I didn't. I wanted to be a happy family. I guess I shouldnt have put that pressure on him. I made mistakes, said things, done things I regret but having my daughter has never been one of them, for that I have to thank him.
I ran home for a few months after Elizabeth was born. I needed to collect the pieces of my broken heart and to figure out how to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby girl. Elizabeth became my whole world. I moved back to Delaware when she was only a few months old. I wanted her to be near her father--I believed him when he said he wanted to be a part of her life. They have never had a strong relationship-she has her very own Daddy Issues.
I put myself through college when she was still a baby. I was determined to prove everyone wrong-I was going to be a good mother to Elizabeth. It was tough. I did have help. I lived with her Great Aunt and Uncle while I was getting back on my feet...I had no family to lean on. They were very strict on me. I had rules I had to abide by--which were very difficult at first for me, I had lived on my own since I was 15 years old.
Where do I begin?
How about the beginning.....I was born in Georgia but was raised in the Panhandle of Florida. I had very young parents that were not ready for kids. I love my Mom and my Dad because that is what children are suppose to do. I never had a healthy relationship with my Dad. He had his own demons that he was working through when I needed him as a father figure...then he died at an early age. I miss him and the Father that he could have been. I do my best to remember the good times but its hard when there were so many not so good ones. The bad memories always seem to over-shadow the good ones.
My Mom...she was so young when she had me, she was merely a kid herself. I don't know the whole story of my father and her, just bits and pieces. I know my father made lots of bad decisions and was a horrible husband but died loving my Mother, regretting how his life had ended without her. Mom is a very beautiful woman-that I have worshiped my whole life even when we were estranged. She did her best with what she was given. That's the best way I can put it. She wasn't June Cleaver at all! She didn't have it easy and didn't always make the right decision either. I look back now and see things so different than I did at the time. At the time I didn't understand and it hurt.
I was an abused child. I was abused in multiple ways, by multiple people, for multiple years. I always thought it was my fault and I deserved to be treat that way. It caused me to have no self esteem and to look at things differently than others. I do my best to block out the bad but it always seems to seep back in. I carry it around with me always. I am a very emotional person. I do my best to hide it.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.....I am a work in progress to becoming the person I was always meant to be.
I moved to Delaware when I was pregnant with my daughter. Her father was my high school sweet heart. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I needed someone to love me so bad ....in my mind I made our relationship to be what I needed it to be. I did love him---what I knew of love. He was only 22 when she was born and not ready to be a Daddy or to settle down or anything I needed. I do believe he loved me but could not be what I needed him to be. I hated him for years. Not just for hurting me but for not being the father to our daughter I sooo wanted him to be. I wanted my daughter to have something I didn't. I wanted to be a happy family. I guess I shouldnt have put that pressure on him. I made mistakes, said things, done things I regret but having my daughter has never been one of them, for that I have to thank him.
I ran home for a few months after Elizabeth was born. I needed to collect the pieces of my broken heart and to figure out how to be the best Mom I could be for my new baby girl. Elizabeth became my whole world. I moved back to Delaware when she was only a few months old. I wanted her to be near her father--I believed him when he said he wanted to be a part of her life. They have never had a strong relationship-she has her very own Daddy Issues.
I put myself through college when she was still a baby. I was determined to prove everyone wrong-I was going to be a good mother to Elizabeth. It was tough. I did have help. I lived with her Great Aunt and Uncle while I was getting back on my feet...I had no family to lean on. They were very strict on me. I had rules I had to abide by--which were very difficult at first for me, I had lived on my own since I was 15 years old.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Still Blue....
I can't seem to shake this horrible feeling. I've now managed to upset my husband and he is not talking to me. That really does not help with my bouts of depression I am suffering through. Its my own fault. He has his own demons he is fighting and I should have respected that. I love my husband very very much but there are times when we just don't see eye to eye on things. In his defense he really feels he is right and that he gives in to me and I feel the same towards him....so if we are both doing that how do we keep butting heads and hurting each others feelings?? He is the only person that matters to me (and my kids) and I can't make him happy with the person I am right now.
I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to being that person that did not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. I want to go back to being that strong independent woman I once was. I hate the current me!! I've always been stressed at different levels but to this point--I can barely function right now.
I feel like I am constantly on eggshells....who am I going to disappoint next. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong person or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time??? I have no confidence in myself right now. I feel...broken
I don't want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to being that person that did not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. I want to go back to being that strong independent woman I once was. I hate the current me!! I've always been stressed at different levels but to this point--I can barely function right now.
I feel like I am constantly on eggshells....who am I going to disappoint next. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong person or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time??? I have no confidence in myself right now. I feel...broken
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Being a Survivor is....
Being a Survivor is suppose to make you have this enlighten look on life?? Wtf did it miss me? I don't feel enlightened! I feel pointless. I'm having one of my blue days. I seem to be having more and more of them. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy and enjoy this gift Ive been given.
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